


Construction Site

by posingasme



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Louisiana, M/M, Military Backstory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Social Worker Castiel (Supernatural), Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-07 23:20:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21466189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/posingasme/pseuds/posingasme
Summary: Sam works with his hands, but he can’t turn off his memories. They attack him and eat away at him, and he is never safe inside his own head. Jack is a lonely, hurt kid, a product of trauma and violence. As they share their stories, Jack realizes Sam needs a family, and he knows his father Castiel is just the right man to watch over them both.
Relationships: Adam Milligan & Sam Winchester, Castiel & Jack Kline, Castiel/Sam Winchester
Comments: 116
Kudos: 158





	1. Pontchartrain Crossway

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by Nonny Mouse, 🐁

The sun beat down upon an already red neck, and sweat poured continuously down the back of a brown shirt beneath the fluorescent yellow and orange vest. It wasn’t like the oppressive desert heat, which made him struggle to breathe through his nose to fight dehydration instead of panting by mouth. This was humid, demoralizing, aching heat. The only thing the two places had in common was thirst. Each Hell was lethal and each was crushing. But one resembled the other only in the desperation for water. 

Sam had leapt from the fires of the Registan and the Kandahar war zones, into the frying pan of Louisiana’s sweltering Jefferson Parish. He was unlikely to endure a sandstorm here, but the mosquitoes were thick as one sometimes. 

The work on the Pontchartrain crossway had brought him here, and now, months later, the seemingly endless maintenance on the world’s longest bridge over water was coming to an end within the next few weeks. Sam tried not to think about that. Not yet. Not when thinking of it made a dark part of his brain bubble with panic. Not when he didn’t have any true plan for what came next. 

But here he was, thinking about it. 

The man beside him wouldn’t stop talking. He was completely oblivious to the anxiety attack going on behind the walls of Sam’s emotionless eyes. It was his fault Sam was thinking of this at all. 

“I ain’t saying it’s a bad job. Just don’t know if I want it. They offered it to you too, right? What’d you say?”

Sam swallowed. “Don’t know yet. I can’t-I can’t worry about it till this job’s done.”

Mackey called over to them to pick up the pace. He spared an extra second to stare at Sam with an intelligent glint, but Sam kept his own eyes lowered. If Mackey could see properly anymore, he might have figured Sam out by now. He stared often enough, like he was trying to dissect him. But the guy was mostly blind in one eye, and he had no reason to strain the other one just because Sam was a curiosity. 

Just because Sam didn’t belong there. 

Caleb wiped his hands on his towel, and then used the same to wipe the sweat from his face. “You’ll starve like that, man,” he was saying as he continued his work. “Gotta worry about the next job before this one runs out or you’ll end up weeks without a check. Me, I got two offers, one in Missouri and one up the east coast. I’m just trying to decide my best move from here. You’re counting on the freaking Pontchartrain breaking up into gravel so’s you don’t gotta move on?”

“I don’t have anywhere to go.”

“Hell you don’t. We was just talking about how you got the same damn offers I got, that the other hard-workers got. Come on. Thing in St. Louis could be good. Or the other thing. You ever been to Baltimore? Working a tunnel’s got to be better than working under the sun like this!”

Sam was trembling very slightly now. He gripped his tools tighter to keep himself steady. 

There was no way Sam was going to work in a tunnel. No matter how big it was. That wasn’t going to happen. 

“I don’t get you, man! You got offered foreman when you first got here, without a damn minute of experience managing guys like me, and you turned it down to work in the dirt next to me. Gave up the extra money and the clean shirts, for what?”

“You said it yourself. I don’t have the experience to be a foreman.”

Caleb snorted. He paused long enough to yank at a stubborn slab of metal, then gestured to Sam with a sigh. 

Sam set his things aside to grab hold and pull the slab from the side of the rail with a grunt. 

His buddy laughed, and drew a sleeve across his forehead beneath his helmet brim. “I ain’t complaining, you understand. It’s better for me to have your freakish brute strength down here in the trenches with me.”

He smiled softly. “You’re welcome.”

Caleb shrugged, and continued replacing the ancient slab with a new one. “Just saying everybody knows you’re smart enough, got enough school, to be running the place. Not even a douche, so we wouldn’t mind working for you. Guy like Mackey can work that foreman job, why can’t you do it? He’s a good enough guy, smart enough, I guess. But you-“

“I don’t want it. I don’t like managing people.”

Caleb’s gaze slid toward him before returning to his work. “Yeah. Except I hear you was an officer or some shit in the army.”

Sam’s chest tightened abruptly. “What? Who-who knows that? Who knows what my rank-Why is anybody even talking about me? Why are we even talking about me? We got work to do!”

The man shrugged again. “Okay. Okay. Calm down. You got secrets? We all got secrets. Think I couldn’t have Mackey’s job? I got a record, man. Told you all about it over drinks a long while back. I screwed up bad, and now I got a lot fewer options. I did okay in school, like you two. But I’ll be using my hands my whole life because I used them once to do some shit I shouldn’t have done. Some guys, even me, we’re okay with that. I’m good with it. It ain’t what any of us planned to do, kid. But it’s got a peace and a poetry to it that some people never get. You, though? Why the hell are you even here, Sam? And even more than that...why don’t you seem to have anywhere else to go?”

***

“Think we’ll be home this time next year?”

Sam looked up from his paperwork. He sighed. “Adam-“

The young man dropped into the chair across from him. “I’m not complaining. Just wondering. And I don’t really mean us. You and me. I mean all of us. Think we will have finished up by then?”

He snorted softly. “This is a war, Milligan. We don’t just put out twenty episodes and wrap it up neatly for the next season’s writers. I’d love to say we’ll be out by then. But I don’t believe it. I don’t believe we’ve got a plan here at all. I think we just react to whatever is blowing up each day, and save those we can save just to lose them the next day to something else.”

Adam was watching him. “You used to believe it. What we’re here for. You used to believe in it.”

He lowered his pen to the shoddy desk. There was sand in his teeth, even after brushing and hydrating. He hated that feeling. More than anything in the world, Sam hated the feeling of sand in his teeth. They had been caught outside when the storm had advanced on them. They had seen it coming. Plenty of warning. But they couldn’t move out of its path, because it would have meant giving up their gains of the day. Gains they would lose to the Taliban by the end of the week. Gains the so-called Islamic State was just waiting to snatch into their own hands. 

Some days, Sam couldn’t keep track of who the enemy was. Snippets of Orwell ran through his mind, and he found himself thinking of Eurasia and East Asia, and the way Oceania of the imagined 1984 was always at war with one or the other territory. When at war with Eurasia, Oceania claimed an alliance with East Asia. Then a memo would circulate from Big Brother’s inner party, declaring the opposite to be true, and the fighting would continue without a breath of hesitation, but against a new enemy. 

It was all madness, and so was this. 

“I believe in protecting those who cannot and would not protect themselves. That won’t change. As for the rest of it...I’m doing what they tell me to do, and you do what I’m told to tell you to do.”

“And how’s that working out for you?”

Sam smirked at him and shook his head. “Not good. But it’s all we got right now. Get to sleep, Milligan. Either Eurasia or East Asia will attack something tomorrow, and we need to be rested up to deal with it.”

Adam frowned at him. “We’re in southwest Asia, Sam. That’s where Afghanistan is. Or don’t they teach geography in officer school?”

He had snickered then. “Yeah. Okay, kiddo. Maybe I need some sleep too.” He stood and tossed a careless arm around his half-brother’s shoulders as they walked out of the tiny office space. “Heard anything from Dean or Dad?”

“No. You know that. And, dude, you gotta stop calling me kiddo in front of the guys and my CO. It’s embarrassing.”

“Zachariah giving you a hard time? Because I will kick his petty ass all the way back to basic.”

“Stop. Don’t touch him. He’s already looking for an excuse to toss me in a pit someplace and leave me there. Don’t piss him off. He hates you.”

Sam shrugged. “Feeling’s mutual. I ever find a pit, I’ll toss his ass in, and let him scheme and whine his way out.” 

“He’s my CO, Sam, and he loathes me because of you. Don’t make this worse for me. And anyway, he’s buddies with General Michael. So don’t get yourself in any trouble either.”

“They can both bite me. And don’t tell a soul I told you this, but Michael once told Lou while I was standing right there that there’s a reason Zach’s battalion is perpetually on the front. Apparently ‘commander I trust the most’ translates into ‘commander I’d mourn the least’ in high-brass-speak.”

Adam’s mouth fell open. Even after all this time in a war zone, the guy could still be naïve, which was probably why Sam kept slipping and calling him kiddo. 

“Yeah. So don’t put too much stock in his supposed friendship with the general. They’re all fakes, Adam. All of them. You and me? We’re family. That’s something these guys will never understand.”

Adam stopped walking and turned to him suddenly. “Sam? Did you...I mean, I kind of felt like...Before we deployed, I mean. I kind of never felt…”

Sam took a breath. “Adam? Whatever happens between me and Dad, I never blamed you for any of it. You’re family. My family. Maybe we weren’t quite there yet when we first left the States. But out here? We’re finally really brothers. If you didn’t feel that before, it’s only because-because I didn’t know what to think of you before. Dean and me...We didn’t know you were out there, man. If we had known...Anyway, out here, it’s just you and me. We look out for each other, the way we never had to before. There’s nothing that’s going to bring brothers together like protecting people on the same watch. Guys like Zach only see the mission, and what it means for them. You and me...It’s different. Even if we weren’t brothers before, we would be now.”

The kid stared up at him with that hero worship that Sam was too familiar with, the kind that never really went away when he thought of Dean. “I hope I can make you proud of that.”

His large hand patted Adam’s shoulder. “Already am. Go on. Get back and get some sleep. Tell your CO to call me if he’s got questions about where you’ve been. I’ll be happy to tell him where to shove them.”

Adam’s grin made him laugh at the time.

It made him weep now. 

***

Sam forced a smile onto his face for Caleb’s sake. “I’m here because I gotta be somewhere,” he choked out. “And I haven’t got anywhere to go because I’ve got no family. So if the company is going to St. Louis or Baltimore, I guess that’s where I’m going too. It doesn’t really matter anymore. I gotta be somewhere.”


	2. Of Waterwheels and Deserts

Kudzu vines nearly hid the entire structure; only a tiny sliver of the old gray wood was visible beneath. Sam had seen it the first time he had passed by it, and had been vaguely curious about it, but had continued on every other day. For some reason, Sam’s bike slowed to a stop today, the motor died out, and he stepped from it to investigate. He had seen it dozens of times probably. But for some reason today was different, and he would never quite know why. Stopping to investigate this small structure, covered in kudzu, under the tiny stone bridge, would change everything. If Sam had known it at the time, he might have gotten back onto the motorcycle and continued along his way. He was not in the right state of mind to have his world change, even for the better. Especially for the better. He didn’t deserve anything better. But he didn’t know, and so he kept walking, not toward his bike, but toward the old building with his destiny hiding inside.

The candy wrapper which glinted in the sun gave the kid away. Sam frowned down at it, and lowered to pick it up with his left hand and shove it into his pocket for later disposal. His right hand reached to touch his sidearm. It wasn’t permitted on the worksite, but this was Louisiana, and no one was going to tell a military vet he couldn’t have his gun, even if they knew he had one, which they didn’t. Sam continued forward, pushing aside the vines covering the entrance, wondering if the person who had left the litter behind was still there, and if so what sort of man he was to be squatting in a kudzu jungle hut. 

It turned out to be no man at all. 

“Don’t shoot! I’ll leave! Is this yours? I’ll leave!”

Sam stared. 

“This is your house?”

He blinked. “Kid? This is a waterwheel shed. And I don’t think anybody’s going to be coming to claim it. It’s probably eighty years old, and more kudzu than walls at this point.”

The boy was wide-eyed, but he was no longer backing away from him. Not that there was much further to go. The space inside the structure was pretty limited. “You’re not going to shoot me?”

Sam snorted, and put his weapon away. “No. I’m not. What are you doing here? How old are you?”

”Two. Twenty...two.”

Amusement lit his weary brain. “Yeah? Or a liar.”

The kid scowled at him. “I will be twenty-two,” he muttered sulkily. “One day.”

“Not if you keep hanging out in somebody’s eighty-year-old waterwheel shed when you should be home. This yours?”

He grimaced at the candy wrapper Sam held up. “Yeah. Sorry. Didn’t mean to leave trash. I-I like nougat.”

It was said with such utter defeat that Sam couldn’t help laughing. “It isn’t what gave you away,” he lied. “Come on. Really. Where are you supposed to be? Why you hiding in a freaking vine jungle?”

“I’m not hiding. I’m...thinking.”

“Thinking about running away?”

The child was quiet.

“I’m Sam. What’s your name, kid?”

“Jack.”

“Jack. That your real name, or you still lying to me?”

“It’s my real name,” he said miserably. 

“Okay, Jack. You in some kind of trouble? Somebody trying to hurt you?” When the boy hesitated, Sam took a step toward him, then sat on the floor. He crossed his long legs at the ankle, and leaned back on his hands, and tried to appear as non-threatening as he could. He knew his height could be intimidating. This kid was already running from something. He didn’t want him to run from Sam too, not until he could determine if he needed help. “Jack? I’m not going to hurt you. I can’t promise the same about anybody else who might walk in here. Like as not, you could live here forever, and nobody would ever even know you were here. Or the next asshole that drives past could stop and find you and call the cops, or worse. I don’t feel great about just leaving a kid here when he could use a bit of help. Especially if all you brought to live on was a candy bar.” He smiled in a way that had always put people at ease in the past. “No matter how much you like nougat, you’re going to get hungry eventually.”

Jack smiled too, at last, and lowered himself to sit, cautiously. He sat cross-legged, and leaned against the only wall which looked like it could handle the weight. “I’m Jack,” he said again. “I’m fifteen. And I’m not running away. Probably not running away. I don’t know yet. I just…I’m just not ready to go home.”

Sam wished that didn’t sound quite so familiar. “Yeah. Well, I get that. Where is home? Who’s back there?”

“My dad. Just...just my dad. And I don’t want him to worry. But I just can’t be in that house right now.”

He nodded, but didn’t respond. He simply waited. How many times had he needed someone to listen to him now and then, to give him time to collect his thoughts instead of interrupting? 

Jack sighed. “My dad tries. He does. But he’s not the problem, he’s just not the solution. Does that make sense?”

“Maybe. What’s the problem?”

“It’s my grandparents. They...they hate me. And my dad, he would go to Hell and back for me, and I know it, but he won’t stand up to them because...because they’re not his parents. They’re hers.”

“Your mother’s.”

Tears pooled in Jack’s eyes. “Yeah. My mother’s,” he whispered. “They always acted like...But they never said it out loud before now.”

“Said what, Jack?”

The boy cringed. “This is weird, right? Telling a stranger this stuff?”

Sam smiled kindly. “Kid, you’re hiding in a waterwheel shed from the 1930s, surviving on nougat and kudzu. Weird is relative.”

He gave a soft laugh, then continued on. “Grandma Kline was drinking some wine the other night, and I asked her if she had always liked wine. I don’t know. I was just making conversation. Trying to. She looked at me in the eyes and said she started drinking wine the night after I killed my mother.”

Shock tightened Sam’s chest. He stared at the boy. “What? What does that mean?”

The tears slipped out now, to run down his cheeks. He wiped at his nose absently. “My mom died while she was having me. I don’t know exactly what went wrong. But she had a stroke from a blood clot, Dad said, and it happened so fast, they couldn’t save her. And my whole life...I’ve grown up knowing that me being born was the saddest day in the lives of everyone I love. Dad, he’s still heartbroken. And that’s why he can’t say anything to Grandma or Grandpa Kline. And they insist on being part of my life because I’m the only piece of their daughter they have left, but it’s miserable. They blame me for all of it. I just want to disappear and go live with somebody who can look at me without seeing the kid who killed his own mom. Somebody who can see me like maybe my mom would have. As someone who could be good if he tried.”

Sam sighed heavily. His heart was twisting itself into a knot. Jack’s story was just too familiar. “Kid, that sucks. That’s awful.”

He smiled a little through his tears. “Thank you. I never tried telling anybody this stuff before. But it helps.”

“So what do you want to do?”

“I guess...I guess I have to go home eventually. Right?”

Sam shrugged. “I’m the last guy that should be saying that. But...yeah. You probably should.”

“Why? I mean, why are you the last guy…”

He snorted. “Because I’m a grown man but I essentially ran away from home too. And I can’t make myself go back now, no matter how much I want to.”

Those wide, innocent eyes stared at him. “Why not?”

He heard himself speak as if it were someone else’s voice. “Same as you. I hurt somebody in my family, and I can’t bring myself to face the rest of them. And every day that goes by makes it harder. I screwed up, and now I’m on my own. But you’ve got your dad. And it sounds like he would worry about you.”

Jack chewed his lip for a while, then spoke up again. “Did you kill somebody?” he whispered. 

Sam flinched. He could feel himself beginning to sweat. His stomach was churning. “Yeah,” he breathed. “My kid brother, my half-brother. He’s...He’s gone. Missing. Because of me.”

“How’d it happen?”

Sam shook his head. 

“I told you my story.”

He was bone tired. The weight of everything he had been through was unbearable. So was it any wonder that he chose that moment, and to this boy, to finally reveal his secret shame? “Yeah. Yeah, okay. I got a free ride to Fort Leavenworth. The army university. And my dad didn’t want me to go. I guess at first I thought he was just mad about the branch, because he was a jarhead himself. But that wasn’t it. He didn’t want me to enlist. It became this big fight...Anyway, I went. Graduated with distinction. Became an officer. And my little brother Adam saw this and joined up with a recruiter because he wanted to do what I was doing.” Pain shot through Sam’s head then. He knew better than to ignore it. But he hated that weakness, and so he shoved through it mercilessly. 

“He joined the army?”

“Yeah.” His palms were sweating badly now, and he rubbed them on his jeans. “We deployed within days of one another, and he was stationed under a commander who answered to me, in Kandahar.”

“Oh, wow. Did he…”

“I don’t know what he did. His commander came back from a mission I had ordered and led myself, and Adam...didn’t make it back. Most of the unit did. But six didn’t, and one of those was my brother.”

“God, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sure God is sorry too,” he muttered bitterly. Then he looked up. “I’m-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t…You should probably…” He had ignored the headache too long. It was beginning to blind his left eye. “You need to go.”

The boy was watching him carefully. He set himself up on his knees and inched closer to Sam carefully. “Are you...okay?”

Sam put his hand up to his temple, and stumbled to his feet. He tried to back out of the structure, but slammed into the wall instead. “I said go!”

Jack hesitated another moment. It was too bright inside Sam’s head to see the kid now, but he could hear him. “Sam, something’s wrong, isn’t it? Do you need a doctor?”

“Just get out!” he roared hoarsely. 

He could feel the dust in his lungs and the sand in his teeth. The silence followed by the barrage of gunfire, followed again by silence. Weeping. Someone was weeping. He lowered himself to sit against the wall, his hands over his ears. Where was he bleeding? He could smell it, feel it on his hands. Where had he been hit? He felt cold everywhere, but he could hear himself still barking orders...Not a bullet. There was no bullet. His ears were ringing, and he was so cold. 

“Dean, Dad, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t hear him! Adam!” he screamed. 

“It’s okay. It’s okay, Sam.”

“Shooting, but that’s not what got us. Not what-It was a bomb. A-a shrapnel bomb. Nails. Fucking-Cold now. Cold. Adam must be so cold.”

“He’s just a guy, but he’s sick or...Down by the bridge.”

“Leave it!” Sam shrieked. “I’m fine! Help the others! Adam! Where’s Adam?”

“I’ll explain it then, but please hurry.”

“Hurry,” Sam repeated. He suddenly felt his exhaustion beat down upon him, and he let it wash over him in a wave. He slid the rest of the way to the ground, and lay there, curling his enormous body into a tight ball. “Leave me. Adam is all that matters.” The shrapnel was everywhere, in his legs mostly, but also his arms where he had covered his eyes just in time. He shivered violently until the blackness took him over completely.


	3. Not-Adam and Not-Dean

He had no memory of what had triggered this episode. There was a boy there, a teenager, whose name seemed to be Jack. He felt sure it was Jack. But he continued to call him Adam, even though he knew better. 

It made him angry. He could not make himself use the boy’s real name. Every time he tried, it twisted in his throat, and it came out as his brother’s name. Then there was another person, a man, who also was not Adam. 

“Not Dean,” he murmured. “It’s not Adam and it’s not Dean. You’re not Adam. I know that. I don’t mean to…”

“It’s all right. Sam? Listen to me. Take a deep breath. Can you smell this for me?”

He blinked up at the man. “Mint,” he mumbled in surprise. He continued to blink, and continued to smell the scent which was so out of place among the sand. Plenty of spices might have fit in there, but not this one. His headache was beginning to clear. “Who are you?”

His vision returned to him slowly. He wasn’t in that rocky desert any longer. There was no dirt or sand in his teeth. The sounds of pain and violence were muffled now. 

“Sam? I’m Castiel. I’m Jack’s father. Are you on any medication? Or...have you taken anything you shouldn’t have? Drugs or painkillers or…”

“No,” Sam croaked. “No, I’m sorry. I’m okay.” His limbs were very heavy. He had to fight to bring himself back in control. “Dissociation. It’s not...I’m sorry. It happens sometimes. Dissociate from me, trying to not hear it or feel it anymore…” Frustration came over him, and he called to the boy standing behind his father. “Adam, just go. I can take care of myself.”

“It’s Jack,” the kid whispered. “Adam isn’t here right now.”

Adam isn’t here right now. Adam isn’t here. Right now. He’s not here. Adam isn’t. 

“Jack, get a bottle of water from the truck.”

“Should we call for an ambulance?”

The man sighed. “I don’t think so. He’s going to be okay. But he’s exhausted. Go get the water.” As soon as the boy had hurried away, Castiel turned back to Sam. “Look, buddy. You’ll have to try to talk to me, okay? You’ve been lying here, shaking, for nearly twenty minutes, assuming Jack called me right away like he says he did. Do you have someone I can call? You called me Dean. Is he someone who can come get you?”

“The motel in town,” he forced out. “I’ll be fine.”

He could finally see Castiel’s face clearly, and there was nothing but worry in his eyes. “You’re staying at the motel? Alone?”

“Yeah.” He tried to push himself to sit up properly, but Castiel had to help him. 

“You’re out of whatever episode you were having. But how long till you’re okay to drive?”

Sam cringed. “I-I shouldn’t. I’ll...I’ll walk my bike into town. I’ll probably feel like I’m not whole for a few hours. I’m sorry if I scared Adam.” He groaned in weary frustration. “Jack. I’m sorry if it scared Jack. I don’t know what triggered…” He frowned then. “His grandmother said he killed his mother.”

It was Castiel’s turn to flinch. “She said what? He told you that? Look, what are you even doing here with my son?”

He shoved his sweaty hair out of his eyes, and it occurred to him what he must look like to this man. A flush of shame burned his cheeks and throat. “I remember now. I was riding by on my way from work. Adam was in here, and I checked to-to see if he was okay. He was upset, said he was trying to sort some stuff out before going home. And he wanted my story, and...and I guess I didn’t realize how tired I was. That’s one of my...When I don’t sleep well, it happens sometimes without warning, and...And it’s been a long day. Anyway, he’s fine, you’re fine, I’ll get out of your way. Thank you for helping me get my head back.” He looked up from his own hands then. “How did you know to do that, anyway? Have me smell something?”

Castiel cleared his throat. “I’m a social worker now, but I did a tour as a military medic as well. Not like what you went through, but I know trauma when I see it. And I also know your head isn’t back yet. Where did you serve?”

His voice was shaking. “Did I...tell you I served?”

Those intense blue eyes softened a little. “Like I said, I know it when I see it.”

“Afghanistan. Kandahar and...It doesn’t matter. That was a long time ago.”

The man nodded slowly. “Sam, have you ever been violent during your episodes?”

“What? No!” He stared in horror. “Did I hurt the kid somehow? Where is he?”

A small smile formed in response to his genuine concern. “No, Jack’s fine. I just needed to know. Sam, I’m going to take you to the motel, but I want you to just grab whatever you need and stay with us tonight. A motel alone isn’t how you should spend your recovery time.”

“That’s not necessary.”

“I think it is. And I’ve got the medic training. So either you let me and Jack take care of you for a night or two in a safe place, or I’m going to call the police and tell them there’s a sketchy drifter walking his bike along this road, and let them figure you out.” The man’s dark eyebrows lifted in a challenge. 

Sam sighed. Then he began to smile too, even as he blinked away tears. “I’ve never had anybody help me through an episode before. Except my first one at the VA, and I didn’t know what was happening. I’ve tried really hard to never need any help. From anybody. I-I came in here and saw Adam, and I just wanted to help him if he needed it. Now you’re offering to help me.”

Castiel took his arm to lead him from the structure. The boy stood at the truck with a water bottle in his hand, with wide, innocent eyes full of curiosity and sweet concern. “It’s what people should do for one another, Sam,” the boy’s father said firmly. “The world would be a better place if everyone helped when we saw someone struggling alone. Like my son clearly was. That’s my fault, that he ran off and didn’t feel like he could talk to me, and talked to a stranger instead. So I am going to return the favor and help you.”

Jack lowered his eyes. “Dad, I’m sorry I didn’t…”

“It’s all right, Jack. I said it was my fault. I meant that. If something is bothering you, you need to feel like you can come to me. I’m just glad you called me when you needed me. Come on. Get in.”

“My bike…”

“I’m going to put it in the back.”

“I can lift it.”

Castiel smiled patiently. “I’ve got this. You just get in and rest. Jack, help me, and then climb in the back with the bike.”

“Is that legal?” Sam wondered absently. 

The man snorted. “It’s Louisiana. What, you never rode in the back of a pickup? Where are you from?”

“Kandahar.”

Castiel smiled sadly. “No, Sam. That’s where your grief is from.” But he patted the man’s arm and opened the truck passenger door to let him in, and Sam obeyed with foggy-headed weariness. 

There was no real talk on the quick ride. Sam closed his eyes, and answered as well as he could about his motel. When they were there, he stumbled out of the truck, packed his backpack with what few belongings he had, and checked out for the night. Just one night. It would save him some cash anyway. He returned to the truck and got in without a word. The next stop was Castiel’s home. 

It was a lovely little place in a wooded area. The sun had set on their way, and the moon lit their way to the door of a cabin. 

Sam felt a sense of peace wash over him as he crossed the threshold. Castiel clearly made a conscious effort to make his home feel comfortable and quiet. Something about the place made it easier for Sam to breathe. 

Jack spoke up then. “I got your bike into the shed. So nobody can see it from the road. Not that so many people come this way. But you know.”

Sam gave him a grateful smile. “Thank you,” he murmured. “That’s thoughtful of you.”

The boy shrugged. “Dad? I’m going to eat. You want something in particular or just whatever scraps I can find?”

Castiel gave his child a look of fond exasperation. “You make it sound like I don’t keep food in the house.”

“I didn’t say that. But I don’t exactly make it easy for you to keep the place stocked.” He snickered. “Sam called me out for just having a candy bar with me. He said I’d need more than that if I was running.”

Castiel nodded in agreement, but there was pain in his tight smile. “And were you? Running?”

Jack swallowed hard. “No. Not really. I just had to think for a while. Just needed some time to...to think.”

His father continued to nod. “Jack, I’m here for you. You can talk to me about anything, okay? If someone hurt you…”

Now Jack’s smile was strained too. “Dad, I know you’re here for me. Okay? I just need to be alone for a little while. I didn’t mean to worry you. So do you want to eat?”

“No. I’m not hungry. Sam?”

He had watched the interaction in silence, but now he shook his head and spoke up. “No. Thank you. If I eat now, I’ll be sick. I’d love to just lie down if you don’t mind. Is that rude?” He wasn’t sure what etiquette required of him in this strange situation. 

Castiel blinked. “Oh. Of course not. Here, I’ll show you the guest room and bathroom. Jack, feed yourself, and you get some rest too. We can talk tomorrow. Especially about ways you can get time to yourself without hiding in a waterwheel shed in the middle of nowhere.”

Jack flushed a little pink. “Yeah. I’m sorry, Dad.”

Castiel pulled his son into a hug. “You’re everything to me. You know that. Whatever you need, we will see that you get it. The right way.”

“Yes, sir.”

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Sam closed his eyes. It was still too bright behind his eyelids, but he forced the feeling down with the strength of his will. Tonight was about recovery. He could not afford to let a little phrase like that trigger him again. 

Adam isn’t here right now…

It had been a while since an episode had been this bad. “I’m lucky you’re as generous as you are,” he mumbled as he followed Castiel down the hall to a bare but peaceful white room. “When this happens, it’s usually not so bad as this. And when it is...I can always pull myself out of it like you did. With the mint. I have some tricks I’ve taught myself, to ground me in the present. But when it’s this bad...It only lasts a few minutes, maybe twenty at the most, but I don’t really recover for a few days, and especially the first few hours are hard. I know it sounds stupid that something that amounts to a waking nightmare shakes up a grown man for days. But it’s harder than it sounds.”

Castiel gave him a kind smile and touched his shoulder. Even that gesture seemed to go a long way toward grounding Sam. “Sam, grief doesn’t wait till we are sitting down to deal with it. It knocks us off our feet. And it comes back for us whenever we begin to feel secure. It hits us all differently, but it knocks the wind out of us all, and we all need help through it sometimes. If it weren’t for Jack, I never would have made it past my wife’s death. He’s my saving grace. He’s my angel. You just need to find an angel for yourself.”

“I’ve got one tonight. Thank you. Truly. I’m alone on purpose. I prefer it. But on nights like this...An angel sounds like a really, really good idea.”

The blue eyes brightened happily. “I’m glad Jack and I could be that for you tonight. Thank you for listening to him while he was upset. In the morning, we can talk more. For now, just know that you’re safe, and I’ll watch over you both.” 

Sam slipped into a warm, dreamless sleep as soon as the glaring light behind his eyes gave way for the mercy of darkness.


	4. The Cowards and Their Monster

Castiel smiled softly at the man in his kitchen. Sam was very large, and it looked as though he was trying to make himself seem smaller. He didn’t have the posture of a soldier, but Castiel suspected that if he were suddenly called to attention, he would snap together like G. I. Joe without a thought.

“Hello, Sam,” he said in his husky morning voice.

The man whirled around to face him. “Oh! Hi, Castiel.”

“How are you feeling?”

Sam swallowed hard. “A little...foggy.”

“Is that usual after an episode like you had yesterday?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I’m grateful to you for what you did.”

“We didn’t do much, Sam.”

“More than anyone else ever did,” the man argued. Then he smiled. “You talk about yourself and Jack like a set.”

Castiel smiled too, and moved toward the coffee machine to prep it. “That’s what we’ve always been. I rarely think of myself separate from him.” He ran a hand through his messy dark hair. “I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

Sam nodded. “He was pretty upset by what your mother-in-law said.”

Darkness came over him then, and he frowned severely. “Guess I’m lucky that’s all she said,” he growled.

Hazel green eyes watched him carefully. “Was there more?”

Castiel glanced behind him, but he didn’t really need to. He could hear Jack’s snore down the hall. He sighed. “Care for coffee?”

Sam shrugged. “Thank you.”

He wondered what it was about this man that made him feel like talking. Maybe it was just that he had seen Sam at his most vulnerable last night, and had helped him through, and so it only seemed right to open up a little himself. Maybe it was the same thing that made Jack open up to the guy. Sam just seemed like someone he could talk to.

He put out some sugar and cream, and got mugs out of the cabinet. Then they sat while they waited for the coffee to drip.

He took a long breath. “Jack’s my son,” he said quietly. “But I’m not his father.”

Sam’s expression remained carefully neutral. “Does he know that?”

“He does. Another helpful remark from his grandmother, years ago. But I’ve made it very clear that he’s as much a part of me as he was of his mother.”

“Is he...your stepson?”

Castiel flinched a little. He could tell by the way Sam asked that he already suspected the answer. “No. I was married to Kelly when she got pregnant. But Jack isn’t to blame for anything that happened back then.”

Sam nodded. “My brother Adam. He was my half-brother. We didn’t even know about him till he was about twelve, when his mom died. My dad...It was a weird year. My big brother Dean was devastated. But it wasn’t the kid’s fault.”

“How did your mother react?”

Sam’s soft smile was sad. “She died when I was a baby. Dad was with Adam’s mom long after that. The hard part was that he never told us about him. That he had a family out there we never even knew existed. But once we all pushed past that, Adam became a true brother. So I get how Jack can be your son when you weren’t his father to begin with.”

A strange sense of relief and gratitude bloomed in Castiel’s chest. “That’s the first time I ever told that story and didn’t feel like I had to explain myself. Or defend my wife, or my love for her.”

“If we can only love people under perfect circumstances, we can’t love people.”

Tears stung his eyes, and he blinked quickly. “I agree. It was a terrible situation that brought Jack to me, and I will always be thankful for it.” He looked at Sam for a long time, and made a decision. “May I tell you more?”

Sam reached across the table to place a large hand on Castiel’s wrist gently, then retreated to his side again. “Of course.”

The gesture was made of pure kindness, and it solidified his choice. This was a good man. A genuinely good man. He could trust him with this burden, just like Sam could trust Castiel with his. He hadn’t realized how badly he needed a friend until he had given half his story to this stranger. Now he could recognize the lonely ache for what it was. “Kelly, my wife. She was raped. By my older brother.”

“God, Cas. I’m so sorry.”

“So you see, the fact that he looks so much like me, and has some of the same mannerisms and…” He swallowed against the tears. “He’s my son. That man who...Luke is not his father. He doesn’t deserve that boy. Jack insisted on meeting him once, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done to stand back and let him talk to Luke. But Jack...he’s so good. He knew in an instant that Luke was a monster. The horrible thing is that I’m not certain Jack understands that he isn’t one himself.”

Sympathy shone in those hazel eyes. “Jack is a good kid. He will be a good man. That’s clearly thanks to you.”

A tear slipped past his defenses. “Kelly’s mother and father wanted her to end the pregnancy. But she insisted that the baby could be good, no matter who the father was. Luke is in prison, and will be for the rest of Jack’s childhood. He raped my wife. That Jack or his grandparents could possibly think my son has anything in common with him…To tell Jack he killed Kelly...Who could say something like that to a kid like Jack?”

“It’s no wonder he ran. That’s a horrible thing to say to a kid. I know they’re in pain, but they don’t have any right to take it out on him. To poison him with guilt for something he had no control over, that can’t be what Kelly would have wanted.”

“No,” Castiel croaked. “It wasn’t.”

“Can’t you tell them to back off?”

Blue eyes rolled up to stare at the ceiling. “That’s...complicated. He’s all they have of her. And it was my brother who…” Castiel cringed. “They once tried to fight me for custody. Jack doesn’t know that.”

Sam frowned. “What?”

The coffee machine clicked off, and the sound made Castiel jump a little. He laughed anxiously, and rose to pour. “Yes. Because they’re his grandparents, but I’m the brother of the man that raped their daughter.”

“You’re his dad!”

“Yes, I am. But you can see it isn’t so clear as that. It’s hard for me to stand up to them, when I know that’s how they see me.”

“Castiel, I’m so sorry! That’s incredibly unfair. To both of you.”

“You know,” he said quietly, as he prepared their mugs, “I’ve never wanted drama. Complexity. I wanted a simple life, doing the best I could to help as many people as possible. I married Kelly thinking we would be a boring couple, in a boring little town. I liked that idea. It made me...very happy.”

When he turned, Sam was smiling at him with sadness in his eyes.

“I served in the military. Did my tours. Came home and got my degree in social work. Loved my wife and watched television in the evenings, and went to church occasionally. The worst things I did were sneak cheeseburgers past Kelly when she tried to make me cut back on red meat. That was my rebellion. Cheeseburgers. Then the world went sideways and I found myself in the middle of the worst battle of my life, and I still don’t know if I won or lost the fight, but I’m still standing. Remember that Elton John song? Sums up my life in that line. I’m still standing. Even on days when I wish I weren’t.”

Sam’s voice was soft, with kind concern. “Keep fighting, man. Always keep fighting. It’s worth it. For Jack.”

“Yes. Of course it is. My reason for fighting is easy. Jack is my reason for surviving. What about you, Sam? You’ve obviously been through something horrible. What keeps you fighting?”

The hazel eyes glazed slightly, unfocused, as though he could see something Castiel couldn’t. He sighed, and held onto the coffee that was placed before him. Finally, he shrugged. “Most days I don’t want to. But I make myself go through the motions. At my lowest point, I was grasping for anything, any reason at all to keep going, and a thought came to me, that one day my big brother might need me. Not me. He doesn’t need me. But a kidney or something, you know? That maybe one day he would need something from me, and it will have been worth keeping myself going so I could be what he needed. At my lowest point, I remember thinking, I can keep going and be an organ donor if necessary, if Dean ever got in some trouble. That I was good for parts, if nothing else.”

Castiel stared at him. “That’s…”

“Dark as hell? Messed up? Yeah. But it did the trick. Kept me going a few more months. Kept the kidneys safe. Or the liver, more likely. If Dad’s anything to go by, that’s what Dean’s most likely to need one day. The funny part is...The worst part is that I wouldn’t even know if he needed me. Because I haven’t spoken to him in going on two years.”

“Why not?”

“Can’t make myself face them. Not when I made it out and our kid brother didn’t.”

“Do they know you made it out?”

There was silence for too long, and Castiel wondered if he had pushed his guest too hard. But then a weak smile came over him. “All this time...that never occurred to me. They would have heard about Adam. Letter to Dad. But nothing about me. No news is good news for a military family. So I guess I always figured...if they didn’t hear any news, they would just assume I was fine.”

Castiel frowned at him. “Sam, they must think something. You never went home after? Never called or…”

“I can’t. Cas, I can’t. I’ve been a coward for too long. I lost my brother. I can’t.”

But he shook his head. “Sam, they have a right to know what happened to their family.”

Those lovely eyes closed. “I can’t,” he hissed out.

“I’ll help you.”

He let his eyes snap open again, and he stood on shaky legs to push away from the table. “Help me. Help me what?”

“Call them. I’ll do it with you. Deal with it with you.”

Sam was trembling very slightly. “Cas…”

“Not yet. Okay, not yet,” he soothed. “But, Sam? I was thinking last night, and I feel even more strongly about it now. I know you planned to go back to the motel today. But please consider staying here a little longer. You’re a good man, and you may not feel like you should, but you clearly need family for a little while. Until you’re ready to contact your own family...be part of ours. I don’t need you to pay rent. Just help out a little here and there, and...and I think Jack could use someone to talk to. I want to believe I can be that for him, but I have to acknowledge that he needs more than I can be for him. It’s temporary, but for a little while, maybe a few weeks, I think it could be what we all need. Will you think about it?”

There was a pervasive fear radiating from the young man now. He was chewing on his lip, and Castiel could see the trembling growing worse.

Could he have been wrong? Was this man too volatile? Too broken? Was he making a mistake, one that put Jack in harm’s way? Castiel had not always trusted the right people. His brother, for one. But something about this man seemed genuine, worthy of his trust and of his help.

Sam took a deep breath, and backed away until he bumped against the counter. A blush bloomed on his handsome face. He reached up to rub at his neck. “Listen,” he murmured finally. “Listen, you don’t want to do that. I appreciate it. Like you wouldn’t believe, I appreciate it. I don’t think I’ve ever known someone so kind. But…for one thing, I’m hardly the picture of mental health.”

Castiel smiled softly. “I know that. But I have a great deal of experience with some of your issues. And I can help you find others who can provide treatment that you clearly need.”

The large man was nodding slowly, accepting this. “Yeah. But...listen. You’re not going to want...There’s something I didn’t tell you, and if I had, you probably wouldn’t have...I can tell you’re a pretty conservative guy, and if it ever came up later, you’d feel like I had lied to you…”

He watched his new friend struggle to express himself, and wondered why he seemed conservative to him. Was he? He glanced down at his clothing, and wondered if that was the problem. But why would that even be a problem?

“We’re in Louisiana,” he choked out. “I know it’s not...So thank you anyway, but…”

Castiel wondered where their disconnect was. “Sam? I don’t understand. Is there something about you that…” He couldn’t finish, since he couldn’t figure out where Sam was going with this.

“I’m a military vet from Kansas, and I work in construction. Up on the Crossway. So I might seem...conservative…”

He shrugged helplessly.

Sam heaved a sigh, and put his hands up. “Cas, I’m gay. I’m-If it ever came up...Anyway, thank you for the kindness you’ve shown. I’ll get my things.”

Castiel stood and held out his own hand. “Sam! Wait. Stop! You’re gay? That’s-that’s what is keeping you from accepting the arrangement? We can’t be friends because you’re gay?”

The man seemed younger suddenly, and frightened. “It’s...I’ve never...Louisiana?” he cried in frustration.

Castiel burst into laughter. “Sam!”

The flush was deepening on that sweet face nearly half a foot above him. “I figured that would be the end of it. I didn’t think…”

He forced himself to sober quickly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t laugh. You’ve probably never been anywhere you could be yourself. Your choices keep putting you in the most rigid circumstances. But, Sam, I’m not so narrow minded as you seem to think.”

“I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have assumed! I don’t mean to suggest-“

“For one thing, I dated men in college myself.”

Sam froze, and for a moment, he seemed to have short-circuited.

Castiel shrugged sheepishly. “Look, Sam. Kelly was my first love. And she was from here, and wanted Jack to grow up here. I know it isn’t the most accepting place for men like you. But even in areas like this, people will surprise you if you let them. Sam, it’s time to be yourself, and I promise you can do that here. Part of your recovery needs to include being yourself without apology. Jack has grown up knowing I’m just as likely to be attracted to men as to women, and he also knows that part of me will always be in love with his mother. Sam, everyone here is a little bit broken, and none of us is what someone might call normal. If your worry is that something like you being gay is going to get in the way of a mutually beneficial friendship, you’re selling us both short.”

Hope was lighting Sam’s face now, and he was beginning to smile. “I’m sorry,” he breathed again. “You really are the kindest man I’ve ever known. I should have expected that this part of me wouldn’t be the thing that changed your mind. Not after the way you helped me last night.”

“And not after the way you helped my son last night. So? I still think we could all use a little friendship for a week or two. You’re not well, Sam. And apparently neither are Jack and I. As an old friend of mine from service used to say, it’s better if we just all hold hands and cross the street together. What do you say?”

Jack’s voice came from the hall now, startling both of them. “Sam, he doesn’t give up when he’s latched on to somebody. Might as well stick around for a while. And I’ll introduce you to my dog Sera.”

The widening of Sam’s eyes told Castiel the dog had cinched the deal. He laughed a bit sadly, wondering how long it had been since Sam had allowed himself any companionship at all.

He and Jack would change that. And it would do them both good to help this man. There was a fracture between father and son, and within each of them. Helping this man, letting warmth and kindness heal this stranger, would help the two of them. Jack was not a monster, and neither Castiel nor Sam were too cowardly to face their respective families. They each simply needed support, and they could be that for one another.


	5. Angels Abound

The dog was fantastic.

Sam had never had a dog, and the child’s dream, which had been shoved down inside his heart for far too long, delighted in the pure enthusiasm of the thing. She was an Australian shepherd mix, with one gray-blue eye and one soft brown one, and patches of different shades of brown, gray and white fur. Sam was certain she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Jack was laughing at him, but he didn’t care. He was lying on the grass, letting the dog climb all over him happily, burying his hands into the soft fur and wrestling gently with it. Jack sat on a rock nearby, and watched with pride in his eyes.

“She’s good, isn’t she?” Jack prompted.

“She’s great, Jack! She’s great.” Sam sat up and snuggled her, and let her butt his forehead with her own.

“I don’t know why she does that.”

“It’s just her way of cuddling,” Sam sighed. “She’s gorgeous, Jack.”

“Sera? You want Sam to stay with us for a little bit? Nice to have someone new to play with, huh?”

Sam worked outside all day, every day. But somehow the air felt fresher here in Castiel’s backyard, under the foliage. “How did you name her?”

Jack snorted. He picked up a worn tennis ball and tossed it for the excited young dog. “I wanted to call her Angel, but my dad said he had a dog named Angel when he was a kid, so he looked up some other words for angels. We liked Nephilim till we kept reading and found out they’re supposed to be abominations. So we went with Seraph. It just shorted to Sera after a while.”

He watched the dog racing after the ball and returning it to her boy. “Well, I think she must be the best dog I’ve ever met.”

“Dad says they use dogs in the military sometimes…” He looked up suddenly. “Should I...not talk about that?”

Sam smiled at him, and a weariness returned to weigh him down. He took a seat next to Jack, and tossed the ball when Sera brought it to him instead. “I’m okay, Jack. It’s nice of you to think of it. But you’re not going to trigger an episode with something like that.”

“I did yesterday,” he said quietly, staring fixedly at the dog.

“No. That was my fault. I felt it coming, and I should have left before you saw it. I wasn’t thinking right, and I was worried about you, and wanted to see that you were okay before I left...But I should have left before it got bad. I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m sorry if it scared you.”

Jack turned to watch him with curiosity. “Sam? If you had left before it got bad, where would you have gone? What would have happened to you?”

He sighed and picked at the grass with his long fingers. “I wouldn’t have made it to the motel,” he answered at last. He had considered lying to the kid and saying he would have been fine. But Jack probably wouldn’t have believed him, and there wasn’t a good reason to be dishonest. “I’m not sure what I would have done if you hadn’t called your dad. I would have had to deal with it on the side of the road someplace, best as I could. Don’t worry about it, kid. It’s just memory.”

“I looked it up.”

Sam’s eyebrows lifted in mild surprise. “Yeah?” That was exactly how Sam himself would have handled something new and scary at Jack’s age. Being afraid of something meant learning more about it. That had always been Sam’s way of handling the world.

“Yeah. They said...I mean, the sites I went to, like the hospital and university sites, they said PTSD can happen to anybody, not just soldiers.”

“That’s true,” Sam confirmed quietly. “It’s more common among vets because...because you see a lot of bad stuff when you’re at war or training for war. But anybody who has something terrible happen to them can find themselves with some sort of post-traumatic stress. They used to call it shellshock, because it was common for the guys who fought in the world wars to get it after living through shelling. But we came to understand it can happen to anybody after a traumatic event.” Sam smiled finally. “I guess I did some research on it along the way too.”

Jack nodded with a thoughtful expression. When Sera approached this time, he held onto her in a hug. “Trauma like...Sam, do you think a woman who got hurt...I mean, really badly hurt by someone...Do you think they would go through the same thing like you did yesterday?”

Realization shuddered through him, and Sam drew in a long breath past his tight chest. “Oh. Well...maybe. We don’t really know why some people develop PTSD after something scary happens and some people don’t. You can’t predict something like that. I had seen some shit before…” He glanced at Jack, and cleared his throat. “Stuff. I had seen some stuff, bad stuff, long before the thing that keeps coming back during my episodes. And as disturbing and painful as some of that was, it didn’t get stuck in my brain the way this does. Same person, different situation. And if two different people are in the same bad situation, there’s no telling if either of them, one or both will go on to have episodes like I get, or how they might experience them. It’s all a crapshoot, kid. You can’t know who will and who won’t, and why.”

“So...so you think it doesn’t happen that everybody who goes through something bad has to dream about it over and over.”

It was breaking his heart, and he couldn’t help putting a strong hand on the boy’s arm. “Jack, most people don’t have to relive things like that the way I do. Lots of people have terrible things happen, but they deal with it through support from those who love them, and their brains don’t trap them like mine does.”

“But even if somebody is there to love them...sometimes it happens anyway.”

“Yeah. Sometimes it does. But not usually, okay? Jack, I’m so sorry I scared you yesterday. You shouldn’t have seen that. And you shouldn’t have to think about what you’re thinking now, about your mom.”

Tears slipped down the youth’s cheeks, and he hurried to push them away. “No, it’s okay. My grandmother told me what happened to her. That he hurt her and…” His voice failed and became a wheeze. “That he raped her, and that’s why I was born.”

Sam felt like his heart had shattered completely now. He grasped Jack’s arm with such a desperation that the child turned to him in spite of his desire to hide his tears. “Jack? Listen to me, okay?”

The boy swallowed and nodded.

“Jack, he raped her, but that’s not why you were born, okay? You were born because your mother and father loved you even before they met you. Your mother knew you were made from the love between her and her husband, even if something terrible tried to come between them. You aren’t his. Okay? You’re Castiel’s son, because he’s who loved your mom and who chose to love you. He’s the one whose love made you who you are, his and your mom’s. And when your grandmother told you these things, she forgot to tell you the most important thing, that you are the good that came from evil. That you are the symbol of the love of your mother and Castiel.”

Tears washed his face completely now, and Sera whimpered with concern. He held her tighter, as though holding onto Sam’s words.

“Jack, think of this. Think of how much Castiel loved his wife, and how much she trusted him, enough that they each knew you had to be born. You know they could have prevented that if they had wanted to.”

He nodded into the dog’s fur. “They wanted her to. My grandparents. She told me.”

Sam felt a flare of anger burn through him, at this woman whose grief had made her cruel, in complete opposition to the way Castiel had let his own grief fuel his kindness. “Jack, your mother wanted you. She didn’t want that terrible thing to have happened. But she wanted you, and so did Castiel. You were born because your parents, your real parents, were stronger than what happened to them. And Castiel, your real father, he’s still in love with your mother even all these years later, and he will never regret what it cost him to raise her son. Look at your dad when we go back in, Jack. He would fly through hell for you. He did. Living through the betrayal of his brother, the loss of your mom, the situation with your grandparents...Look at him, and tell me if he would take any of it back. Tell me if he’s sorry about the decisions he and your mom made. You know he isn’t.”

The sobs shook him hard, and Sera snuggled in deeper.

Dean would hold him, Sam realized suddenly. Right now, Dean would put his arm around this kid, help him feel safe. Sam lifted his arm and carefully, awkwardly wrapped it around Jack, who immediately dove into the embrace, without even loosening his grip on Sera.

It felt strange to offer this comfort, to be so close to any other human at all. It felt strange, but it felt right. Sam felt stronger than he had felt in a very long time, and he knew it was because he was being strong for someone else again. “Jack, I’m so sorry your grandmother can’t see through her own pain. She’s missing out on knowing and loving a really good kid, and one day she will regret it, when you’re a really good man. But your dad knows exactly what he’s got, and he isn’t sorry. You shouldn’t be sorry either. You are what your mom wanted, and you’re what your dad needs.”

“How can you...know for sure?” he whispered. “That he doesn’t hate me for killing her, deep down? He loves me, but-but maybe he hates me for that too.”

“You didn’t kill your mom, Jack. You saved her from the terrible thing that happened to her. You saved them both. Your grandmother doesn’t see that. But Cas does. And so can you. She kept you because you saved her. And you saved Cas. He still has pain, kiddo. Your mom felt pain. But she believed in you. That you would be her son and Castiel’s son, and not a part of that trauma. Raising you wasn’t going to make her relive what she went through, Jack. It isn’t like that. Raising you saved her from it. You’re not the trauma, Jack. You’re the way they heal from it.”

“She didn’t get the chance to heal.”

Sam smiled sadly and let go to look at the boy’s red face. “Of course she did. She made you hers. And she made you Castiel’s. That was her decision, Jack. She took what that man did to her out of his hands and took control of it inside her own heart. She died knowing that the man who hurt her would never hurt her again, would never have any control over her or her family again. Because you’re good, Jack. You’re the grace she saved, and the grace Cas protects now, with all his heart. Of course it broke his heart when she died, Jack. But he loved you with both halves, until you healed him. And I should thank you for that too, because he was whole and kind and strong when I needed him yesterday, when I wouldn’t have been able to take care of myself. You two were exactly what I needed, when I needed it the most. You two are the seraphs I needed. Just like this sweet Seraph here.”

Jack began to smile too, and he gave the dog another loving hug. “Thanks, girl,” he whispered. “You’re a good girl to take care of me.” Then he sniffed. “We can take care of Sam too, right, girl? If he starts to feel bad and needs someone, you get to him and be his angel till he feels okay again.”

Sera yipped, happy that the child seemed to be calmer.

Sam patted her gently. “Thank you, Jack.” This time, the emotion was in his own voice. “You are definitely your father’s son. Kind and good, like nobody I’ve ever known.”

Pride filled Jack’s eyes again, and he said nothing, but picked up the ball and began to throw it for the shepherd again.


	6. Team Free Will

Sam had never called in sick to work. Not in his whole life. He wasn’t about to start today. Castiel had given his professional opinion, then left it alone when it was clear that Sam was not going to miss a day. He had met Jack on a Saturday after a long day of work, and had spent Sunday breathing in the fresh air and sweet atmosphere at Castiel’s home, and now he needed to be back on the job.

But he couldn’t say he wasn’t anxious to be back in the evening. The physical labor was hard, especially when he was still feeling out of sorts. Pulling his bike into Castiel’s drive put a tired smile on his face. It beat the hell out of the motel anyway.

He sat with Sera for a few minutes before approaching the door. She was delighted to see him, and didn’t care how badly he needed a shower. It felt good to forget about everything else in his world and just play with the dog for a while.

“She likes you,” the deep voice murmured from behind him.

He sighed happily. “I love dogs. I never had one. But I always wanted one just like her. Bet she’d even jog with me.”

Castiel chuckled softly. “Try to stop her. If you would like to take her for a run, you’re welcome to. Just be sure to keep her away from the highway. She doesn’t do well with the loud trucks. But the trail through the woods is nice. I don’t run, but I walk it with her sometimes. She knows where to go, and she’ll look out for you. Let you know when you’re going to step on a rattler, copperhead, cottonmouth or a coral.”

Sam laughed too. “When you put it like that, I suddenly don’t feel as up for a run as before.”

His new friend shrugged. “Snakes mostly leave people alone if they’re left alone by people. Can’t speak for other people, but I’m inclined to leave them alone myself.”

He gestured around them. “This is a really beautiful home, Cas. Thank you for sharing it with me for a little while.”

Castiel sat beside him on the patio stairs. “Sam? I overheard you talking with Jack yesterday.”

He froze with his hand deep in Sera’s fur. “Did I say something I shouldn’t have?” His mind raced back over the conversation, but his brain was still somewhat foggy. “I’m so sorry if I…”

But Castiel was smiling at him. “I couldn’t say it before. I was too emotional. But I wanted to thank you for saying what you did. Hearing it from me just wouldn’t have done it. Coming from you...Well, you got through when I don’t think I would have. I appreciate every word of it.”

“I don’t really remember much about what I said.”

“It doesn’t matter. It was the right thing. He and I talked last night, after you had gone to bed. He cried. A lot. I did too. But in the end, we said a lot of things we’ve been needing to say, and when he left for school this morning, he seemed...a little more at peace than I’ve seen him in a long time.”

A slow smile spread across his face. “I’m so glad, man. He’s such a good kid. You two have been through a lot, and you’re both so good. You deserve some rest.”

“Sam, I hope Jack and I would have gotten there on our own eventually. But you...you’ve really helped us a great deal. It’s hard to say just how much. I’m glad you agreed to stay with us. We’ve only just met you, but the house feels warmer with you in it.”

He stared at the man and blinked. The dissociation he had felt all weekend was nagging at him again, and he felt himself taking a step back from the scene to observe. How could this man think Sam was in any way contributing to this little family? The last time Sam had encountered family, it had been filled with shrapnel and heartache. He could see himself frowning, and he wanted to tell himself to let it alone, to let Castiel say thank you and not to contradict him, not to ruin the trust in those blue eyes.

But Sam knew better than anyone that he couldn’t be trusted with family.

“I can’t stay,” he choked out. He closed his eyes, tried to force his mind to stay whole, even as part of him was trying to abandon the ship. “I’m sorry. I can’t stay. I’ll break something.”

Castiel was watching him. “What does that mean, Sam?”

“The good part of me...I left it in Kandahar. I’m just the broken, selfish bit that made it out. I’m broken. I’m beyond repair. And you and Jack are so...so good! I’ll mess up what you have. So I need to leave.” His head was beginning to throb, and his eyes were burning. He was too tired, his heart was scolding him. He was letting it happen again. “Where’s Jack? I don’t want to scare him…”

A strong hand gripped his arm. “You’re shaking, Sam.”

“I don’t want to scare him,” he said again, stumbling to his feet. “I should go. Where he won’t see me.”

But Castiel was standing too, and holding him steady while he tried to trip away. “Sam, Jack isn’t here. He’s always late on Mondays and Wednesdays. It’s okay. It’s just us.”

“Adam isn’t here right now,” he hissed.

The dog began to whimper with concern. She was staring at Sam.

“Sam,” Castiel continued. “Come on inside. Let’s get you on the couch.”

He blinked hard. “No! Don’t you see? This is-this is what I am! You can’t fix this! I deserve this.”

A sharp flinch came from Castiel then. “What? What does that mean?”

Anger battled the fear that was mounting in him. “This! It’s what I earned! It’s my punishment for leaving him behind!”

“Your brother, Adam. Did he die in Afghanistan?”

Tears were flowing now. This felt unlike any of his episodes before. He was sweating, shivering, but he could think through the nausea. The grit in his teeth and the sounds that haunted him were not so bad as they had always been before. He could still feel Castiel’s hand. He desperately latched onto that anchor, in spite of his words. “Not at first,” he wheezed. “At first, he was missing. And I searched and searched, and I had everyone searching, but they weren’t…They had been taken to this-this home, which used to belong to a family, but the family had been forced out, so it could be used...Adam was there. They kept him alive two days before they shot him in the head. To send a message to the rest of us to back off. They were trying to capture the ranking officer, but I had been-had been injured in the blast but they got me back in time...It was supposed to be me, and they took him instead, and his CO looked at him and said we were lucky they took Adam instead. Like Adam meant less because he was lower rank. Looked at my brother lying there on a dirt floor and said we were lucky. It was supposed to be me, but Zachariah said we got lucky it was only Adam.”

Castiel was holding his arm with one hand, and letting Sam grip his other far too tightly. “Sam, this isn’t your fault. It isn’t. These episodes, they’re not punishment for making it out when Adam didn’t.”

“He was a message.” Sam shivered violently and collapsed back onto the stairs in a hard sit. “He waited two days for me to save him. I slept through one of those days, and when I could get up, I’d lost him. He must have believed I would save him. Even at the end, he was still waiting for me to make it all okay. That’s what a big brother is supposed to do.”

“Sam, you were injured. You can’t be blamed for-“

“Oh, I can be blamed.” He snarled the words out bitterly, and a chill seemed to take him over completely. Suddenly, the fog cleared, and he had dissociated from the pitiful, shaking mess enough to feel numb. His voice was stone cold. “You don’t know me,” he intoned. “There’s a reason I’m alone. I let my brother die for me. If there is a Hell, that’s how you get there. You think I’m sick, Cas, but it’s worse than that. I’m sick and I’m broken. And you can’t save me. Because I don’t deserve to be saved. They left him lying on that ground, and it should have been me. I didn’t save him. So don’t try to save me.”

Castiel was sighing. It seemed like it was very far away, but the hand was still there. “Sam, you may have been the ranking officer. You may have been the big brother. But you were not in control of that situation. Not any more than I was in control when my brother hurt my wife. I blamed myself for what happened. My in-laws blamed me. But you know who never did? Kelly. And Adam wouldn’t blame you either.”

The dominant part of Sam’s mind struggled to hold out, to remain disconnected from the pain and grief. He could not dissociate completely, not with Castiel’s hand there holding him steady. The anchor was preventing him from tearing away altogether. “You don’t know that,” he snapped.

“Your family doesn’t blame you, Sam. You are the only one who does. Adam didn’t blame you. You loved him. You searched for him while you were injured!”

“It wasn’t enough!”

“Sometimes it isn’t!” Castiel shouted.

There was silence, except for Sam’s sobs. The episode had not played out the way it had before. This time, Sam remained present, and the sounds of the past did not take over. He could hear the deep voice, could feel that strong hand. He had tried to slip away from himself, but had been anchored with firm kindness, and he was slowly becoming whole again. The words rang in his mind as he put himself back together.

“Sam, sometimes your best isn’t enough. Sometimes...sometimes it just isn’t.” He sighed heavily. “Sam, sometimes you can do everything right, and the world ends anyway. Sometimes it isn’t your fault because you had no control over what was happening. Your brain would rather attack you than admit that there is absolutely nothing you could have done. Do you think I wouldn’t have moved Heaven and earth to save Jack’s mother? Do you think I wouldn’t have taken all her pain on myself if I could have? You would have been taken instead of Adam if you’d been given a choice, Sam. You weren’t given any choice. Sometimes you can try and try, and the world...the world crumbles anyway. And when it does, you can’t just stop living in it. You have to keep going because there are others who need you. No matter who you lost, Sam, no matter what happened to you, you always keep fighting, because it’s just the right thing to do. You wouldn’t have chosen to be the one who made it. Neither would I. But the world didn’t ask us our choice. And even when it crumbled, it kept turning. So we have to keep turning with it.”

He was nodding, and the man’s arms were around him now. His gasps and sobs were quieting, and he felt himself slot back into Sam, into his whole self, once again. The disorientation cleared, leaving him with that foggy exhaustion again, but there where he belonged. “I would have died for him,” he croaked.

“That wasn’t your choice, Sam. That was out of your hands. You didn’t get a chance to make that call. You can’t save Adam by punishing yourself. You know that.”

Sam swallowed hard and rested his head on Castiel’s chest. He wasn’t sure how long it would be before he had the strength to stand again. “So what do I do?”

“You can’t do anything for Adam now. But you can do something for the rest of your family, Sam. You need to call them.”

“No.”

“Let them help you, Sam.”

He closed his eyes tightly. “No! I don’t want that! After what I did, I can’t let them help me!”

“You’re taking away their choice, Sam, just like your choice was taken from you. Would you have helped Adam if you could have?”

“Of course!”

“Then don’t deny the rest of your family the chance to do the same for you. They deserve that chance, Sam. And no matter what happens, no matter what choices they make, I’ll be here for you.”

Sam sighed heavily and nodded.


	7. Lonely, tonight and always

The job was finishing up. He wasn’t committed to the next one yet, but the bosses were starting to get impatient. Maybe if he needed the money worse, he would have made his decision by now, but as it was, he was stalling. 

And for what? What exactly was going to change in the next few days? In the next few years? Why not just sign on to the job in Maryland they were trying to talk him into? It wasn’t like he had anywhere else to be. 

It wasn’t like anyone was missing him someplace else. 

He had no family. The closest thing he had to friends were these guys he worked with, swinging a hammer and living hand to mouth. Unlike a lot of them, he had a savings account, but he lived just as they did, because he had no reason not to. The money wouldn’t run out so quickly that way, and maybe he wouldn’t run out so quickly either. He had to have something to do. If he didn’t, he would drink himself to death. 

Was that how it was going to be? Lost without family, no dreams of his own, feeling sorry for himself all his days, drinking till numb all his nights? If so, what the hell was keeping him going at all? Or for that matter, what was keeping him from going to Maryland for the next big construction job with this company? He liked crab cakes and fried chicken, and there was beer in that state too. So? Why wouldn’t he commit to the bosses, and tell them he was on board if they wanted to keep paying his motel room? 

Not that he slept in his motel most nights, just about twice or three times a week, for the hot shower and coffee in the mornings. The rest of the time, he got by without, and saved the per diem instead. 

For what? 

Construction work kept him in shape, but the life was full of greasy food and beers and waiting around, and he knew he was in danger of gaining a soft stomach if he wasn’t careful. 

How had he gotten here? In this barely functional fog of depression, following a construction company from one city to another and not making friendships or memories? 

He had been the one to find him dead. It had crushed him completely, and the thought had immediately come to him, and never left him. “I couldn’t save him. And it should’ve been me instead.” He had tried to shake that thought for all this time, but it haunted him without mercy. It came to the surface at the most unreasonable times: in the middle of the night so that he couldn’t fall back to sleep, during a conversation with someone who could become a friend so that he had to back away, while trying to tell himself that tomorrow was worth making it to…

He wouldn’t use the motel tonight. It put a little cash in his pocket anyway. He just wanted to be alone with his very messed up thoughts, staring up at the stars and wondering where in the world his brother was tonight. 

He put his bottle down and lay back on his leather jacket pillow, and heaved a sigh. “I miss you,” he whispered to the night. “More than anybody, I miss you. Wherever you are, I hope you know I miss you, Sammy.”


	8. Red wolf and soft fox

Jack was laughing, and it made Castiel’s heart sing. It was the first thing he heard as he opened his car door and stepped out. He approached the two figures in the yard with a smile.

Their backs were to him, and he could see that Sam was laughing too, though he couldn’t hear him. Those broad shoulders shook just enough, and Castiel found himself taking in a breath at the view. He had noticed how handsome Sam was; of course he had. But looking at him now, laughing with his son in the orange sunset, he seemed to glow. The man had beautiful hair, and was tanned brown from the work that he did, and his arms in that tee shirt…

Castiel stumbled back a step in alarm.

Was he really thinking of this man that way? How long had it been since he had really been attracted to someone, had more than just a passing appreciation for someone’s physique and face? When was the last time someone had hit him in the gut like this?

He knew exactly how long it had been.

Kelly.

Since Kelly, there had been a few half-hearted attempts at romance. But sixteen years later, he was just as alone as day one without her. Now here was this man he barely knew, but who felt like family instantly, someone he trusted enough to let Jack talk to and be with before he even got home himself. Had he ever trusted anyone like that before?

Sure he had. Dread came over him, and he sat hard on the same stairs which had caught Sam earlier in the week. He stared at his son laughing with their friend, and was grateful they still had not noticed him.

Sure, he had trusted someone like that before. Luke. His older brother, who had taken advantage of his wife’s kindness, who had come over while Castiel was away at a two day training, who had told Kelly he just needed someone to talk to. Luke, who had talked to her for hours, then propositioned her, then forced himself on her when she had been horrified and told him to leave. Luke, who had threatened to kill her if she told Castiel, then had threatened to kill Castiel if she told the police. Luke. His brother.

Luke was the last one he had trusted with someone he loved. With his world.

Castiel couldn’t trust his own judgment, and nothing was worth losing Jack.

“Jack? Go get to work on some things for school, please. And fix yourself some dinner. I’ll be there in a moment. Please.”

The others turned, and both smiles faded at one glance at his pale face. “Yeah, okay, Dad. You all right?”

“Go inside, Jack.”

The boy nodded with a look of concern, and hurried into the house. He was a good kid, Castiel thought with a sad fondness. Good, and too trusting, just like his father.

Sam was watching him with those intelligent fox eyes of his, and Castiel had to look away. The man stood straighter, as if bracing himself. “Is something wrong? Did I...do something wrong?”

“No,” he said hoarsely. “No, Sam, I’m afraid I did. See...I’m watching you with Jack, and…”

“And I remind you of something.”

He looked up in surprise. “Yes. How did you know?”

Sam shrugged. “I’m not him. But I’m not Kelly either.”

“I can’t trust anyone but Kelly. Not with Jack. I’m so sorry, Sam.”

“Yeah,” the man murmured, taking a step to close the gap between them. “Yeah, you are. You’re really sorry. You’re a sorry excuse for a father.”

Castiel flinched violently. It felt as though Sam had slapped him. “What?”

Sam continued to advance, until Castiel was forced to back away. Finally, he tripped on the stairs and fell to the patio to stare up at this man.

“What are you-“

Sam’s eyes were relentless. “You think you’re protecting him. You’re really protecting you.”

Castiel’s stomach was knotting. “No. Jack is all that matters.”

“You’re afraid I’m going to hurt you, and so you’re pushing me away. You want me.”

He cringed again, and tried to close his eyes against this man’s beauty and charisma, and block out his smirk. “I do. But I can’t…”

Sam lowered himself to lean over Castiel’s sprawling body, which was suddenly too heavy to move. “You want me.”

“I can’t!”

The gorgeous fox eyes were laughing at him cruelly. “You want me. And that scares the shit out of you. When was the last time you wanted someone? When Meg came to visit before her last deployment? Did you want her too?”

“She’s a friend.”

“But you’re so lonely and so starved for someone’s heat that you thought about it the whole time she was here.”

“I wouldn’t have done anything to hurt our friend-“

“You would’ve in a heartbeat if she had given you the chance. And if Sam gave you the chance, you would climb into bed with him faster than Kelly climbed in with me.”

He had managed to squeeze his eyes closed, but now they shot open. It wasn’t Sam leaning over him! How could he have thought that cruel smile could be Sam’s sweet face? “Luke!”

His brother’s own eyes were red and wolfish, not soft hazel and fox-like. It was dark all around them, but those eyes glowed bright. “Yes, baby brother?”

“Get away from me!”

“If you think I’m going to let you be happy again, you’re dead wrong.”

Castiel swallowed hard. “No. What you did...that had nothing to do with me. It was all about you. You never thought about me for an instant. You took something sacred from me without bothering to think of me at all.”

Luke sat back on his heels now, and shrugged.

His voice gained strength. “It was never about me. You ripped my heart from my chest without a thought. How can I continue to blame myself when I didn’t even cross your mind? You didn’t do this to me. All these years, I’ve wondered, how could you do this to me. But you didn’t. I wondered what I did that made you do this to me. How did I make you hate me?”

“I don’t hate you, baby brother. I’m just hateful.”

Realization flooded over him, and at last, Castiel could sit up and look Luke directly in the eye. “You’re just hateful. I didn’t make you attack Kelly. I didn’t do something that made you angry. Just like Sam. I’ve wanted to blame myself all these years, because it was better than admitting…”

“There was absolutely nothing you could do to stop me. I used Kelly because I wanted to. It had nothing to do with you except that’s how I even knew her. I didn’t do it to hurt you. I didn’t even do it to hurt her. I did it because I didn’t care that it hurt either of you. Scaring her and scarring you were just power trips after the fact. You didn’t do anything to make me do it. Nobody makes me do anything. I take things because I can, little brother.”

“Don’t call me that.”

Luke shrugged Sam’s shoulders again. “Makes no difference to me. Family never did. I don’t think about you at all, kid. But you’ll always think of me.”

Castiel stood shakily and shook his head down at Luke. “You’re a monster. And I won’t give you anything else. There are things you can’t take from me. Jack is mine. He’s good, in ways you will never understand. And Sam? You’re not taking Sam Winchester. I won’t let you.”

Luke scowled at him. “Maybe I can’t get to him. But I’ll chip away at you from the inside until you can’t be sure anymore. I won’t let you trust yourself, so you will never trust him.”

He frowned darkly for a moment, then took a deep breath. “There is someone I’ll never not trust. Jack. Jack will always have my trust. And I know that trust is right. I made a mistake trusting you all those years. But I wasn’t wrong to trust Kelly, and I’m not wrong to trust my son. I know goodness when I see it, because it looks like them. And Sam...You can smirk at me through his eyes all you like, but Sam will never look like you. He looks like them. He’s good. So I’m going to take the chance, and I’m going to trust him, and maybe I’ll even let myself want him. Jack and I deserve to be loved without you throwing your shadow over it. Don’t come back here, Luke. You’re not going to control whether I trust myself anymore. And you’re not going to control who I love.”

Luke gave him a snarl, and then a merciless bright red light filled Castiel’s vision. When he blinked it away, he was left in darkness.

His tee shirt was drenched in sweat, and his heart was pounding. He reoriented himself to reality while evening out his shallow breaths. He reached for his phone and checked the time. It was only midnight. He had only been asleep for an hour, had only been trapped in that nightmare for minutes probably, not the lifetime it had felt like. The memory around the edges was already fading away, but there were parts that his mind grasped onto frantically before they could slip into oblivion.

He lifted himself and wandered into the bathroom to brush his teeth, and then he took a warm shower. He felt numb all over, and for some reason, he very much wanted to be clean everywhere. He was washing off the dream, but also the sheen of guilt Luke had left clinging to him all these years.

What he had said to Sam was true. Kelly had never blamed him. Neither had Jack. Even Luke had never bothered to pretend Castiel had anything to do with it. It was time to scrub off that insecurity and move on, clean at last.

He did want Sam. And no nightmare from his past was going to convince him he shouldn’t love again.


	9. Free to be you and me

It was nice to read here. It didn’t even really matter what he was reading, but it was especially nice to be flipping through Jack’s well-loved copy of Harry Potter in this quiet, comfortable home. Reading at a motel was always disappointing, just like reading on deployment always had been. The temperature of the room was never right, and the the bed was never comfortable, the pillows were never supportive, and the noises around him never seemed to stop. Here in Castiel’s house, he felt safe and comfortable for the first time in years, and he could read about Harry without feeling like he was the one trapped in a too-small room on a too-small bed under creaky stairs.

Sam sighed happily. It had been nearly a month, and he was worried about when it would all end. He should have made himself move on long before now. The Pontchartrain job was wrapping up in a week. He still hadn’t committed to his bosses for the next job, and they were growing impatient. But here in Castiel’s guest room, he couldn’t help feeling like he had all the time in the world to work things like that out.

He had made himself useful as well as he could, and even that was something of a relief. He had fixed the air conditioning when it had sputtered out, and had taught Jack while he did, so he could do it if it happened again when Sam was gone. Jack had hung on his every word and deed in these weeks, and that had concerned Sam for a while, but he was beginning to enjoy the way he could teach the kid things, useful things. It reminded him of teaching Adam some of the things he himself had learned from Dean and their father, and for the first time, memories of Adam were pleasant and not sharp and suffocating. He was grateful to Jack for giving him back some of his bittersweet memories of his half-brother, and Jack was thrilled every time Sam offered to show him something.

Then there was Castiel.

Sam’s gaze slid off the words in the book lazily, and a tightness formed in his stomach. He felt himself smiling for no reason.

The man was like no one he had ever met. He somehow made Sam forget to feel guilty about being happy. It was amazing. Castiel was smart and dry-humored, and he could beat Sam at chess two times out of every three, and he had that gorgeous way of tipping his head slightly when he thought Sam might be teasing him. He watched over Jack with that adorable, clumsy mother hen way which could snap into a mother bear attitude in an instant. Castiel was nearly as hopeless as Sam in the kitchen, except when it came to tea and coffee, and an occasional mild cocktail, and yet somehow Jack had taught himself to be a genius in it, and Sam had rarely eaten so well.

Sam had caught Castiel smiling quietly at him over his glass at dinner more and more often every night, and it made his stomach warm in ways he hadn’t ever felt before. He found himself watching Castiel, and flushing pink and ducking his head when Castiel caught him too. And even when he had worked hard all day, even when the comfy bed tried to drown him in peaceful sleep, he lay awake thinking of the man far too late into the night. It would all have to end soon, he knew, but in the meantime, Sam wanted to breathe it all in for as long as he was allowed.

Tonight, it was past midnight, and he was just putting Harry and his friends aside, when he heard a tap at his door. It was so soft, he wasn’t certain it wasn’t Sera asking to come cuddle, except that it had come from higher up than the dog could have reached.

He smiled. “Come on in, Jack. You should be asleep. Your dad was just saying you need to stop staying up so-“

He froze suddenly when he remembered. Jack wasn’t home. He had stayed with his friends Aaron and Andy tonight after school, promising to study for upcoming final exams.

So who…?

Castiel slipped into the room without a sound, and closed the door behind him just as silently. “Sam? I saw your light,” he murmured.

Sam swallowed. “Uh, I’m sorry. I’m...just reading.”

The dark hair was damp from a shower, and the man was freshly shaved. Sam could smell the clean fragrance of soap and warmth from across the small room. He was dressed in old blue jeans and a black tee that stretched across his chest in a way that Sam found distracting. “I’m not ready to go back to sleep. So I was up. Then I saw your light,” he said again. “I was wondering if you felt all right.” Castiel’s blue eyes searched him up and down with a strangely intense curiosity.

He glanced down at himself, and realized he wasn’t wearing enough. He had stopped wearing a shirt to bed in this guest room after two weeks. He didn’t have enough clothes to be unnecessarily modest inside a room that he could lock if he wanted to. Tonight, he had even forgone his jogging pants, and had just thrown on a pair of gray boxer briefs after showering. He shifted his weight in the bed awkwardly.

“Sam? Do you feel all right?”

“Of course. Of course I do. I’m good. Do you-Can I do something for you? Do you need to talk or…” Wouldn’t subordinates like Zachariah laugh themselves stupid over the fear in Sam’s voice right now? And commanders like Michael would be wondering how he got to the rank he had without the ability to mask his uncertainty.

“Maybe I just hoped for some company. If you’re still awake too.”

He was swallowing again and again, but his mouth was dry. He gave a crooked shrug. “Yeah. Sure. What did you have in mind? Um, coffee?”

Castiel looked into his eyes for a moment, then began to smile, as if he liked what he had seen there. “I don’t need any. Can I sit with you?”

Sam’s skin was flushing hot now, and he hoped Castiel couldn’t see it in the dim light. Very urgent messages from the rest of his body were also making him hope the light was dim enough. “Sure, of course.”

The man sat in the comfortable armchair next to the bed with that soft smile.

He wished he had pulled a blanket over himself, in spite of having enjoyed the summer air. Why hadn’t he turned the air conditioner up when he had fixed it? Maybe he wouldn’t be mostly naked right now!

“Sam? I’m having trouble sleeping because I can’t stop thinking…”

He looked up from his own hands. “About what?”

“You, mostly.”

His eyes widened, and he drew in a breath.

Castiel gaze continued to wander, searing Sam’s skin in blotches of hot blushing red wherever it went. “You’ve been here a while now, and I can’t help wondering if you ever think of me too.”

Sam licked his lips slowly. “Sometimes,” he breathed. God, he was thinking of him right now!

His host placed his elbows on his thighs and leaned forward until he was close enough for Sam to touch if he just reached out. “You’re a truly beautiful man, Sam.”

“Cas…”

“And I want you. Tonight. I can’t help it. I’ll go if you want, but I have to try. I just really want you.”

He stopped breathing all together when Castiel’s hand touched his jaw so gently he nearly couldn’t feel it, then lifted away again. His skin tingled maddeningly. “Don’t go.” It was a quiet plea, a desperate whisper, and it surprised Sam to hear himself say it.

The blue eyes flashed with pleasure. “You want me too.”

“More than I’ve ever wanted someone before.” He stared up at Castiel in awe. “I’ll be whatever you need. Just for one night, I want to be what someone wants. And I want it to be you. I’ll give you anything. Just touch me for one night.”

The kind smile was back, and so was the tender hand on his face. “What if I want you for longer than that, Sam?”

He heard the words trip out of his mouth. “You won’t. But that’s all right. I don’t care about that now. If you really want someone tonight, let it be me.”

“I didn’t say I wanted someone, Sam. I’ve wanted someone for a long time, but never did anything about it. I don’t want someone. I want you.”

Tears stung his eyes, and panic bubbled beneath his over-sensitive skin. “No one wants me. But I’ll be whatever you do want for tonight.” He felt every nerve in his body compelling him to move toward this man, but he held himself back. “Tell me what you want. What you like. Tell me what to be for you.”

Castiel slid off the chair and pushed onto the bed in front of Sam, climbed slowly like a predator over him until his guest lay flat below him, staring up with wide eyes. He held himself above on his knees and with one arm, while the other slipped beneath Sam’s neck to lift him into a hungry kiss.

Sam’s nerves burst into a frenzy. He gasped in Castiel’s hot breath, pushed his mouth up to slot their lips together and felt his mind shatter into a thousand thought fragments, devoid of coherency. He moaned into Castiel’s mouth, and felt the man smile into his in return. Castiel never stilled for a moment, and Sam couldn’t calm his brain enough to follow, just reacted in kind to every action of Castiel’s lips and tongue and teeth, and that strong, safe hand on his neck, thumb on his jaw.

“Cas,” he breathed in desperation when the kiss faded away finally.

“I’ve got you, Sam. It’s all right. I promise.” With that, he lowered himself just a bit more, just enough to make Sam have to arch up into him to feel their bodies touch.

The roar of want slammed through him, and he stared up at his lover. “Please,” he choked. “Let me touch you. I’ll be anything you want.”

“Be you, Sam. You are exactly what I want.”

The words, spoken with that hushed confidence, were a balm for every scar Sam had, inside and out. He would always carry scars, but while in the arms of his angel, he wouldn’t feel them. For the first time in years, maybe the first time ever, he felt safe and loved and free of pain. It was altogether unfamiliar, and he grasped to its glorious promise with all his heart.

“Be with me now, Sam. And never doubt that you’re what I want.”

Castiel knelt upright, and Sam watched the teasing reveal as he undressed around him. There was no clothing under the jeans, and Sam’s breathing shallowed when he caught his first sight of the man fully naked.

He had never wanted anyone so urgently as this. The soft skin and tight muscle, the generous cock below and darkening eyes above, Castiel was exactly what Sam hadn’t let himself dream about in all his lonely nights.

He whimpered, then laughed breathily at himself. “God, you’re...you’re just as hot as I hoped you wouldn’t be.”

Castiel smirked at him. “What does that mean?” he demanded with a laugh.

Sam’s gaze washed over him languidly, and he sighed. “I kind of hoped you’d be...forgettable somehow. I’m never going forget this. Seeing you like this is going to make it so hard when…”

“Shh.” Castiel kissed him again softly. “Touch me, Sam. Stop worrying about what comes next. Stop worrying about memories. Be with me now.”

He met his eyes again, and this time, he took strength from the command, took permission from it, and let the worry melt from him. He smiled shakily. “Nowhere I’d rather be.”


	10. Stay

Sam’s entire body was free of tension. It was incredible what a few rounds of powerful, playful sex could do to a young man’s perspective on life. He lay with his lover in tangles, just breathing in the scent of soap and sweat and sex, until he was heady with it. He never wanted to move from this moment.

Castiel’s nose was in Sam’s arm. It made him giggle breathlessly. “What’s funny?” he mumbled.

“You. You remind me of a puppy, with your nose stuffed in my arm that way.”

“It’s comfortable.”

“It’s funny. Sera did the same thing when she crawled into my bed a few nights ago.”

“Maybe I taught her how to snuggle.”

Sam snickered. “She learned from the best, then.” He tightened his other arm around Castiel, and shifted them so that Castiel lay his head on his chest instead. “Cas?”

“Yes, Sam.”

“Thank you. For everything. You have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t have a clue why you helped me the way you did. But I’ll always be grateful.”

“Why did you stop to help my kid when he needed someone?”

Sam sighed. “I really didn’t. I was just checking out that shed, and found him there.”

“Yes. But that’s when you stopped. When you realized there was a kid who needed a friend, you were that for him. And for the last few weeks, you’ve been a friend to us both, when you didn’t have to be. You’ve become family in just a few weeks. Sam, I want you to stay. Jack does too. I know he does. Will you stay? Please?”

He sighed up at the ceiling. “Is that what’s good for Jack?”

“The fact that you even asked means you care about him.”

“I do. He’s a great kid, Cas. I do care about him. But I’m not what anyone would consider a good influence. I’m grateful that you think so. But…”

“Grateful. Sam, you keep saying that, as if you still don’t believe that Jack and I benefit from having you here. We do. I don’t know how else to make you see it. Do you at least believe me that I want you to stay?”

Sam smiled softly. “Yeah,” he breathed. “Yeah, I do. I just don’t get why.”

“And you want to stay. Don’t you?”

“I really do, Cas. I shouldn’t maybe, but I want to be here with you. It feels like home with you.”

Castiel lifted himself to peer into his eyes with hope. “Then stay! Change your mind later. Stay for now. Sam, I’ve never wanted to take a risk before. No one has ever been worth it. But Jack is sixteen now, and I’m ready to trust myself finally. I want to try being a family. You’re already here. Just don’t go.”

“There’s something I need to do first. Before I can promise anyone anything. You said you would help me?”

His lover sat up now, and nodded. “I said I would. When you’re ready.”

Sam sighed again, and moved to gather his clothes to him. It seemed silly to do it naked. Castiel followed his lead by climbing into his discarded jeans and shirt. Then he sat beside Sam to kiss him lightly and waited. Sam gave him a weak smile. “I’ll never be ready,” he answered at last. “So let’s do it now or never.”

A shadow of dread crawled over him, and he wished irrationally that Castiel would vote for “never.” But instead, he kissed him again, and retrieved his phone for him. “I’m proud of you.”

“Don’t be proud yet. Even if I can dial without having an anxiety attack or a full episode, that doesn’t mean I’ll be able to speak once I do.”

Castiel’s blue eyes were full of sympathy. “You can do this. I’m right here.”

Sam took a deep breath. It had to be right now. Right now, while he still felt the optimism borne of their lovemaking, of Castiel asking him to stay, he had to call. He made himself go to his contacts and find his brother’s name, which he had never been able to make himself delete, no matter how low he got. He had never been able to make himself cut that tie completely.

It was ringing. Sam’s breath caught in his throat, and he ended the call in a panic.

Castiel watched him with concern.

“God, Cas! It’s been too long! It’s been-“

With horror, he realized his phone was ringing back. His brother’s name was on the screen. He stared at it.

“Sam? You need to answer it. He deserves to hear from you.”

He was breathing too shallowly, but he was nodding too. Castiel was right. Afraid or not, he had to do this for Dean. Dean deserved...Dean deserved whatever Sam could offer him.

He touched his phone with a shaky hand. “Hello,” he croaked.

“Who is this?” a deep voice barked.

“Dad?” He felt himself swaying. Castiel’s arm went around him protectively.

“You got the wrong number.”

“Wait! Dad, wait. It’s me. It’s-it’s Sam.”

There was silence on the other line, and his heart sank. He leaned hard on Castiel, who remained steady and strong.

“Dad, I...I’m sorry.” Tears were flowing down his cheeks before he had even realized they were threatening at all. “That’s-that’s all I wanted to-“

“Sammy?”

He let the rest of his weight push into Castiel as he realized his mistake. “Dean. You sound just like him.”

“Sam?” Now it was clearly his brother’s voice, deeper than he remembered, but definitely him. “Sam, where the hell are you? I’m coming right for you. Where are you? Are you hurt? You in trouble? Jesus, Sam!”

He huffed a tearful laugh. Of course that was Dean’s first thought! Of course it was! “I’m okay, man.”

“Where the hell are you?”

“I’m in Louisiana.” He smiled at Castiel. “I’m with a friend. And I guess...I guess I just wanted to tell you I’m okay.”

“Sammy, give me your coordinates right now. I can be there-“

“Dean, I’m all right!”

“The hell you are!” his brother shouted. “Where have you been? I’m not sleeping again till I see you with my own eyes! Why the fuck haven’t you called me before now? I thought…”

Sam flinched at the sob which stole his brother’s strong voice.

“I thought...Jesus, Sammy! I thought you were dead!”

“I’m so sorry. Dean, I’m so sorry. I should have called before. I know that now. I don’t know why I didn’t. But after I lost Adam the way I did, I didn’t know if…”

“What?” Dean demanded. “If I’d want to know if you were alive? If I’d want some peace? If I’d want to ever go a day without wondering where you were?”

“If you’d want me at all!” he cried. “I got Adam killed!”

Dean’s voice got quieter, but the rage was still there. “You got yourself killed for all I knew!”

“I’m sorry!”

“Where are you? I’m coming to beat the hell out of you right now.”

With Castiel’s help, he gave Dean the address and instructions on how to find the house. “That’s my friend’s house. Don’t come in like a freaking hurricane. These are good people, quiet people.”

“I’ll be there before dark.”

“Where are you? You can’t make it from Kansas by-“

“I ain’t in Kansas. I’m in Fort Worth, working the White Settlement Road gig. I’ll be there before dark.”

He sighed. “Dean? I know you’re angry-“

“Angry? Sam, you got no idea…” His voice broke with emotion again, and he cleared his throat through it. “Just be there when I get to you. You hear me, baby brother? Don’t disappear again. Promise me.”

“I promise.”

“You disappear again, and it’ll kill me. You hear that? There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you. You owe me at least a conversation.” The voice which had sounded so like John’s was barely a whisper now. “Don’t disappear.”

“I’ll be here. You have my word.”

There came a shuddered breath, and then the line disconnected.

Sam turned to Castiel and sat up as well as he could.

“He’s coming here?”

He nodded.

Castiel kissed him softly. “Then I’ll need to turn this into a guest room again. How would you feel about moving into my room?”

Sam found that he wasn’t able to speak at all now. But he shrugged one shoulder and tried to smile.

“Good,” his lover said. “Rest now. You did great, Sam, and I am proud of you. You need rest. I’m going to go pick up Jack, and talk with him a little. About us.”

He forced the words past his teeth. “You think he’s going to be okay?”

“I think he’s going to be far more than okay,” Castiel assured him. “I think he wants this too.”

“Not moving too fast?”

“No, Sam. It’ll be all right. I promise. Rest now. I don’t want you to face your family before you’ve gotten proper sleep. And like I said I would, I’ll be here for you in case you need me. But you know what?” He paused at the door and looked back at him with an encouraging smile. “I don’t think you will.”

Sam lay his weary head to rest while Castiel slipped out, and he let his tears wash his pillow, until his trembling calmed and sleep took him in under its wing.


	11. And when Dean came home...

There was a light drizzle by the time a classic black Chevy rumbled into the drive. Dusk had settled in, and the rain made the humidity a little more bearable.

Castiel had talked with Jack for nearly an hour after picking him up from his friend’s home. He was proud of the way the boy had asked questions and listened, and then had finally smiled in that way that lit up Castiel’s heart, and expressed how happy it made him that his father had found someone to love after all this time, especially since it was Sam. The completely selfless heart in that boy’s chest made Castiel’s own heart swell with pride and pleasure. His son was kind and strong, and there was nothing in the world Castiel wanted more than that.

The man he had fallen for looked disturbingly like he was about to fall out. He stared out at the Impala through the window, then took a deep breath, and headed out to greet his family. At last, Castiel saw the soldier in him, the grim determination, the sturdy, steady march into the unknown.

He was proud of his lover too.

***

Sam was barely within reach before Dean had grabbed him into a crushing hug. It felt so good to have sight of him, to feel his little brother’s warmth, his life, his physicality. It made it all true. For hours, Dean had wondered if it could somehow be a mistake, or a fraud, if somehow the ground was going to shudder under his feet and drop him to his knees again, if it could all somehow be a dream.

But here he was, in Dean’s arms, sobbing apologies that Dean didn’t care about. The kid was tall, so much taller and more filled out than he had been so many years ago, more substantial in his grasp, and Dean’s brain felt confused about how they fit together now that Sam was a large adult, now that he wasn’t a skinny, gangly twenty year old. He held on an extra few seconds to give himself time to adjust to the new reality.

“Hey,” he said finally, as he backed away at last. “Hey.” He clasped one hand at the back of young man’s neck, and and put his other palm on his cheek. “You’re really you. It’s all okay now.”

Sam’s eyes were frantically scanning his brother’s face, lips trembling, and chest heaving. “I’m so sorry. About Adam. About all of it. I’m so sorry.”

He smiled wearily. “It’s going to be okay, man. You’re alive. You’re here. That’s all that matters right now.”

“But, Dean-“

“We grieved for Adam. But this is about you now.”

Those hazel eyes blinked in the dim light, and it suddenly occurred to Dean they were both getting drenched in the rain. He took Sam’s arm and led him to the shelter of the porch. “Dean, he died because of me. Because he followed me to war, because he followed my orders into battle, because they came for me but settled for him, and because I couldn’t save him in time. It was all my fault, from the beginning! Dad was right! I never should have-“

“Dad’s dead.”

Sam stumbled back as though he had been slapped. “What? What happened?”

The old ache turned his stomach now. “We got a lot to catch up on, Sammy. I’m sorry that’s the first news I got for you. But you needed to know.”

The soldier nodded slowly. “I should have been there for him.”

“He’s found his peace, Sam. So has Adam. It’s just you and me now. And I’m so, so glad it ain’t just me.”

Sam’s tears flooded his cheeks. “I don’t know why I couldn’t call you before. I don’t know why I thought…”

“Sam? You’re alive. Everything else, we will work out. I’m just so glad you’re alive.”

“Me too,” he choked. “For the first time in years, me too.”

It hit Dean’s heart without mercy, what this kid must have gone through during his self-exile, how he must have punished himself terribly for everything that had happened to their family. Just like Dean had done to himself. He forced a smile onto his face. “So? This friend of yours. He just a friend?”

At last, Sam huffed a small laugh, and looked down shyly in a way that Dean recognized immediately. “Maybe a little more. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? Should I ask him?”

“Don’t you dare.”

The command was so familiar that it pushed a real laugh out of Dean. “Come on. Introduce me. I gotta thank him for turning your head around enough to make you call me.”

Sam dove in for another hug suddenly. “Thank you. For not being angry with me. I-I thought-I wanted that. I wanted you to be angry. But I’m so glad you’re not!”

“Oh, I’m plenty pissed you let me think you were...But I’m a lot more grateful you’re not. So? Invite me in already!”

“You sure you’re not going to punch me? I’d rather we did that out here.”

“I might,” Dean warned. “I haven’t eaten in over eight hours.”

His brother laughed, and led him into the house. “Jack’s got some sandwiches waiting for us.”

“Jack. Is he…”

“Jack is Castiel’s son. Cas is my friend, letting me stay here for a while.”

Dean found himself staring down a man in a blue sweater, with intriguing electric blue eyes and a small, crooked smile. “Good to meet you, Cas. I’m Dean.”

The man held out a hand for him to shake, then turned to call into another room. “Jack! Our guest is here!”

The child came rushing around the corner to gawk at Dean. “You’re the brother!” he said excitedly.

It was so nice to be called that again that Dean couldn’t help his grin. “That’s me. The brother.”

Sam sighed happily beside him. That contented look on his kid brother’s face was unfamiliar, but Dean liked it. And if Castiel and Jack had helped put it there, he liked them too.


	12. What We’ve Learned

The veteran was breathing steadily now. His merciless grip on the chair eased, and his eyes were beginning to focus. He was starting to reorient himself to the present.

The fear was subsiding, but before the humiliation could set in, his guardian hurried to provide comfort. “You’re just fine, Mr. Jones. You did great. I’m glad you’re doing so much better. Can you drink some water for me?”

Fred sighed with exhaustion and snatched the water bottle from him. “Doing better,” he mumbled. “Am I?”

Jack’s sweet smile put his patients at ease every time. Even the grouchy ones. “Yes, sir. You’re coming out of your episodes clearer than ever. Can you remember what triggered this one?”

Sam watched from the hall, where he had been leaning on the wall for several minutes in silence.

A hand slipped into his. “Are you all right?” his lover asked gently.

“He’s so good,” Sam said through his lump of emotion. “He’s so, so good.”

Castiel smiled happily. “He’s very good. And you taught him what he knows about helping. You should be proud of that. Especially since you two started training support dogs together. I knew back then he was bound to be a caregiver of some sort.”

Sam shook his head. “He learned about PTSD from me. But he learned that kindness and that respectful way of offering support from you.”

A third voice called out behind them. “He learned to make an epic cheeseburger from me. I thought we were going out to lunch! Why’s the kid taking so long?”

They turned to see Dean sauntering down the hall in his worn jeans and leather jacket, and smiled. “Hello, Dean,” Castiel sighed. “He’s coming. His patient just had an episode, and he wanted to wait it out with him, even though his shift was over.”

Dean’s eyes softened. “Guy okay?”

“Yeah,” Sam breathed. “He’s got Jack. He’s going to be fine.”

The young man was pulling on his coat-which matched Uncle Dean’s in a suspicious way-when he finally approached them. “Hey! Sorry I kept everyone waiting. Where did you all want to eat?”

Castiel beamed at him with quiet pride. “What do you feel like, Jack?”

He grinned at Dean. “Cheeseburger sound okay to everyone? I’ve been craving one all day!”

Dean took the young man under his wing and led the way to the parking lot. Sam shook his head and took Castiel’s hand to follow.

Castiel stopped him with a gentle tug. “Sam? I wish very much that you had support from someone like Jack years ago, before we met.”

He nodded, and took a deep breath. “I wish my dad had too. He refused to get any help all those years. Wouldn’t even tell Dean what was going on with him. It’s why he didn’t want me joining the military, because of what he had suffered alone all that time. If he had let Dean know, let him get him some help…”

“I know. I’m so sorry, Sam.”

Sam waited until his emotion had ebbed a little before trying to speak again. “If it weren’t for you and Jack…”

“Sam.”

“No. Let me say it. I’ve wanted to say it for years. If it weren’t for you and Jack, I might have done just what my dad did. Drank myself into an early grave. I might have given up. I kept myself going because I hoped I could one day face Dean again. But that wouldn’t have worked forever. If I hadn’t found Jack that day, if he hadn’t called you, if you hadn’t been so supportive every minute since then...Dean might have lost everyone. I love you so much, Castiel. I love Jack so much.”

The happy gleam in those blue eyes lit up the handsome face. “We love you, Sam. Come on. Your brother is back home, and we should enjoy time with him before he’s off to another job.”

He nodded. “I hope he sticks around a little longer this time. He doesn’t need the money that badly.”

“I think he needs the work, my love. But let’s enjoy the time he is here. Since Jack made it clear to his grandmother that he loved her and his grandfather but wasn’t going to see them anymore, you and Dean are the only family we have left. It’s a small family, but we are all we need. We feel complete when that loud black car pulls into the drive.”

Sam’s heart soared with joy. “Me too, my love. Thank you for loving me and my brother all these years.”

“Thank you for showing Jack that his true nature is kind and capable.”

They followed after the other two men, the other half of their family, and for a little while, as they held hands to the car, everything was finally right with the world.


End file.
